Three Family Law Cases

Building the ‘business relationship’ of parenting

The kids and I are fine… but I dread talking to my ex!

Studies have shown that after separation you may have a lot of different feelings towards your ex-partner, or be left with guilt or anger. These feelings can last several years, particularly if you found the break-up difficult and hard to accept.

Meanwhile, you are probably trying to be a good parent. Fighting with the other parent makes it hard for both of you. The effect on children may include anxiety and distress or problems at school. None of these are positive outcomes.

What can I do to change the way we relate?

• Get support for yourself. Being able to sort through your own feelings will put you in a better position to discuss your children with their other parent.
• It may help to build a relationship with your ex by considering it as simply as like that of workmates — for the sake of the children. A positive business relationship will lead to more and better quality time between you and your children — even if you never resolve all your arguments!

Your actions speak louder than words. Treat their other parent how you’d like to be treated yourself.

How do I talk to my ex about the kids?

Finding new ways to talk to the other parent can be difficult. It can be harder to respect each other’s point of view than when you were together. But it is worth it. Children feel reassured when they know their mum and dad can calmly discuss the best way to look after them. Your kids need your support in getting on with their own lives knowing they’re not caught in the middle.

If you can’t spend a few minutes chatting at the end of contact or at a school function, you can practice being respectful, saying hello, and avoiding conflict (in public)!

Kids appreciate it when mum and dad ‘try getting on with one another’. If you can, talk in a relaxed, neutral place such as a local coffee shop or cafe. This way you are both more likely to be polite with one another. If you live a far distance apart then make a time to talk on the phone (when the kids aren’t around to listen in).

Remember you are trying to build a relationship with your ex for your children’s benefit!

We’re meeting soon. How can I make sure it goes OK?

Arrange the time and place without involving the children. Have a game plan to help you stay on track. Prepare some notes you can look at.

Before the meeting:

• Agree in advance what the meeting is about.
• Talk away from the children.
• Conduct phone calls when they are out at sport or visiting friends.

At the meeting:

• Stay calm — you’re both good at pushing each other’s buttons.
• Don’t get stuck arguing about the past.
• Stick to what you have agreed.
• Agree on the easy things first.
• If you lose track, look at your notes. Otherwise, you could say something you’ll regret.
• End the meeting by finding something positive to say about the kids.

In case of conflict:

• Stop and think — is this helping or making things worse?
• Decide — do you need outside help so you can talk about the children?
• Consider counseling or mediation — talk to someone whose job it is to help parents sort out issues.

What else can I do to prepare to build a relationship with your ex?

• Remember you are parents for life… maybe even grandparents! If talking to the other parent is difficult, sometimes a trusted go-between can be helpful. Be sensitive about who you use.
• Don’t be surprised if things work out very differently to how you expect. Let your words and actions show that you are committed to parenting for the long-haul.
• Try different approaches in the way you relate until you find what works. Be open to changes as the children grow older.

Things you can both do:

• Accept that the relationship has ended.
• Listen. We all need to feel heard.
• Give it time.
• Plan not to be angry forever.
• Accept the other parent’s new choices.
• Support the other parent the way you would like to be supported

REMEMBER: The best gift you can give your kids is TIME and EFFORT

If you are feeling the uncertainty of dealing with legal conflict or having difficulty to build a relationship with your ex and wish to speak with an experienced family lawyer in Brisbane then please contact our offices on 1800 217 217 to arrange a FREE 20-minute consultation or email mail@aylwardgame.com.au

We look forward to helping you resolve your issue with clarity and expedience to keep you Ahead of the Game.

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Three Family Law Cases

For your kids’ sake and your own sanity.

Relentless Demands and/ or Useless Communication

Whether you’ve been separated/ divorced for 6 months or 6 years, the constant calls, texts, and emails haven’t stopped. He/ she has elected themselves as your primary advisor on all things ‘parenting’ including education, scheduling, and religion. You get minute-to-minute coverage on all the great things they’re doing for the kids, and even how bright their future is looking in the other home.

Manipulation Of The Children

Your kids likely know as much or more about your court case than you. They’re told that their ‘negative’ attributes (i.e. bad attitudes, heavy bodies, poor coordination, etc) come from you, or your side of the family. The kids talk a lot about big promises that never seem to materialise (i.e. “My mum is taking me to Disneyland” or “My dad is buying me a new XYZ Awesome thing…”). Your kids are emotional caregivers to your ex, and consistently put aside their own wants or needs to make mum or dad feel better (possibly even to a point where they are uncomfortable voicing their own opinions). You kids are visibly anxious or uncomfortable when you or your family try to speak to them, or show physical attention (eye contact, hugs, etc) with your ex or the ex’s family present (unlike vice versa).

Manipulation Of The Scheduling

This is also manipulation of the children but needs a separate category. You’re constantly being asked to change the agreed upon schedule. Your ex ‘wants’ extra time, while you’re to forfeit your time with your children. Promises to ‘make up’ this time never happens. If you do give an inch (seemingly in the best interest of your kids), they take a mile, and the demands become increasingly unbearable. The courts will likely be involved at some point if this situation keeps happening. Activities are scheduled on your parenting time, and when you cannot or will comply with the ex’s perfected plans, you’re punished through your kids when they are disappointed by something that never should have been scheduled in the first place.

Invisible Battles

These are all tactics of personality disordered individuals. Your ex is likely fighting an invisible battle within themselves that you will never understand. Stop trying. The best thing you can do, for the sake of your children, is to recognise that you cannot co-parent with your ex. In this case, your ex can only counter-parent. There is no such thing as “the best interest of the child” because the child exists for them to use as needed to meet their own ends.

Parallel Parenting

And, if they’re doing these things, these ends are to hurt you. Get your boundaries straight. Learn to parallel parent. And above all else, you may consider petitioning to a court for intervention to go no contact. This may be what’s best for your kids.

For more specific information about your options, talk to a qualified and experienced family lawyer about co-parenting arrangements on 1800 217 217.

The post The BIG Signs You Should Stop Trying To Co-parent With Your Ex appeared first on Brisbane Family Lawyer.

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